how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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