I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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