Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
