do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
