Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
