We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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