I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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