Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
