The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
