pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
