I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
