Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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