I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
