I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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