So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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