end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm having to shit out rocks
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