I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
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It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
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This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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