I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
