Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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