GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Damn victory sex feels great
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
