can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
