his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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