Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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