obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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