i just wanna soil my oats bro
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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