a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Randomize
