What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
