Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
