Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
