My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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