one might say we're banned from that church
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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