Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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