he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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