dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
