wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
