I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
