you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
