you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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