just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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