Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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