If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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