Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
