I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
