I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
