Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
