OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
