its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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