My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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