We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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