"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
