Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
