My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
