Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
