I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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